


Pretty Dirty Things

by ZombieJesus



Series: Death Note Kink Meme Fics [1]
Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: 5 Acts Meme, Anal Sex, Autofellatio, Embarrassment, Humor, Kink Meme, M/M, Oral Sex, Piercings, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sex Toys, Smut, lawlight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-10 20:31:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20534162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieJesus/pseuds/ZombieJesus
Summary: An ongoing series of unrelated smutty ficlets involving Death Note ships (but expect Lawlight to feature).





	1. Prince Albert

**Author's Note:**

> All originally posted on the dn_kinkmeme on DreamWidth (https://dnkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org). Check it out and fill some prompts of your own!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: L discovers a disturbing secret while he and Light shower together, Light has a cock piercing

“I assure you the shower is big enough for both of us, Light-kun.” L dragged Light towards his bathroom by the handcuff chain, ignoring the shouts of protest coming from the younger man. 

“Ryuzaki, wait! W-wait a minute! You’re telling me that we have to shower together, too, now?” Light tried to hang back in the doorway but L kept yanking the chain insistently. “What happened to just waiting outside for the other to get finished?” 

That’s how they’d always done it for the past month being chained together, and that had been humiliating enough given that L insisted on _ timing _ him and asking for constant updates through the opaque curtain. Was he using the orchid soap or the citrus soap? Was he going to condition his hair today? What was that sound just now? Is Light-kun shaving something? What part of his body is being shaved and how close? Did Light-kun remember to hang the washcloth back up? Does Light-kun’s sugar scrub taste any good? It was absolutely infuriating and also meant that he hadn’t had the privacy to get off for nearly three months now, counting his confinement. He was far past just being on edge.

L shook his head, pulling the chain hard and making Light stumble forward into the bathroom. “It’s a waste of time and a waste of water. Or does Kira not care about saving the environment?” He was smiling a little as he pressed a finger to his lip, enjoying the furious look on Light’s face.

“Ryuzaki, I am NOT--”

“Yes, yes, you’re not Kira. Of course.” L waved a hand dismissively before turning to reach into the shower and start the water. “I know Light-kun prefers the shower to be 92 degrees but I prefer 102 degrees.” He set the digital thermostat to 102 degrees.

“I didn’t agree to this.” Light huffed and crossed his arms, thinking that maybe he’d just refuse to go in there rather than have L scrutinize his naked body. There was something in particular he did _ not _ want L to notice.

“Light-kun doesn’t have to agree. But if he wants a shower this morning, this is the only way.” L shamelessly shucked off his pajama pants, which were all he was wearing, and kicked them in the general direction of the clothes hamper. “We’re going down to the team right after I get out, whether you’re bathed or not.”

Light’s jaw dropped open at the nerve of that! Standing there buck naked and telling _ him _he couldn’t have a shower unless it was with L! 

“Suit yourself.” L shrugged tested the water, and finding it to be hot enough, went behind the curtain. “Either way, I’m getting one.” 

Light fumed at the curtain for a moment before angrily stepping out of his pajamas and boxers (placing them in the hamper and shoving L’s pants in there too). He grumbled between clenched teeth, “Fine.” He was _ not _ going to show weakness here and let L deny him a shower, even if it meant...more invasive personal questions. _ What’s one more at this point? _

Light pulled the curtain aside and stepped into the shower, and immediately L’s eyes were roving all over his body, coming to a dead halt to stare right at his crotch. He blushed and turned away, wordlessly grabbing his body wash and shower pouf and starting to scrub.

“What was that?” L nibbled a finger, trying to peek around Light’s back.

_ Oh here we go. _ “What was what, Ryuzaki?” Light continued to scrub himself, turning away to face the corner as L crept closer.

“That bit of metal in your--”

“It’s just a _ piercing _, Ryuzaki.” Light sighed in exasperation, glaring over his shoulder. “Plenty of people have them. ”

“Actually, it’s estimated that fewer than 1% of males have a piercing like that. That makes it unusual and a potential clue for your Kira profile.” That was a load of bullshit and L knew it, but he was half-hard and absolutely dying of curiosity. Seeing Light’s cock had been reason enough to insist on the shared shower, but this little surprise was making his head spin. “I’m afraid I’ll need to see it again.”

_ See it again?! _ Light was wound so tight from all the constant prodding, accusations, lack of privacy, and now humiliation, that he just snapped. He whirled around to face L, slamming the detective against the tile and hissing, “I’ve _ had _ it with your invasive questions, Ryuzaki. How would you like it if someone was constantly following you around, staring at you, asking you personal things?”

L’s eyes slid down from Light’s intense expression to his lower body, unable to keep from staring at how sexy that piercing looked. He mumbled, “I like it when Light-kun asks me questions. I like it when he stares at me.” His own cock was fully erect now, the feeling of Light pressing him to the wall, the man’s naked proximity, and finally being able to get another look at that enticing bar of metal was making him wish he’d gone with Light’s preference for the shower temperature. Quieter, “I like his piercing.” L finally looked up to meet Light’s eyes again. “I want to know more about the things I like.”

“You…” Light’s eyes were wide as he suddenly realized what was happening here. What had _ been _ happening if he’d stopped to really think about it. He silently cursed himself for being so blind, but his eyes were open now. He could see L’s excitement plain on his face, and those huge dark eyes were roaming all over his wet flesh. His fingers dug into L’s shoulder as he felt his own arousal swell, and he turned away in embarrassment. 

L took a deep breath and sunk to his knees. “Let me get a better look, Light-kun.” The handcuff chain clinked against the tile as it lowered. He reached out and trailed a finger down the back of Light’s thigh. “Let me…?”

Light knew he should stop this right now, jump out of the shower and yell at L for being so inappropriate. But instead he slowly turned around until his erect cock was right in front of L’s face, the curved barbell looping through the tip plain to see. “Happy now?”

L hummed as he brought his face closer, examining the piercing from all angles. “And does it enhance pleasure?” He watched Light’s face as he reached out a long finger to toy with the barbell, pupils dilating when Light pulled in a shuddering breath. “Or maybe he’s forgotten pleasure. I know he hasn’t had an orgasm in quite some time.”

Light felt nearly hypnotized by L’s deep, deadpan voice, and all he could think about was how he wanted L to touch it again. He whispered down, “That’s your fault. You’d never leave me alone long enough to get off.”

“Maybe I was hoping you’d get off when you weren’t alone.” L gave him a little smile, tugging at the piercing again to tease him. “But Light-kun’s resolve was greater than I thought.”

That resolve didn’t feel very strong anymore, and broke completely when L leaned closer to press his lips over the metal bar, tonguing and playing with it, clearly enjoying the sensation of having it in his mouth. “Oh _ fuck… _” Light widened his stance, leaning with one hand against the tile behind L. His whole body felt like it was tingling, and he had to stifle a moan with his fist when L’s mouth engulfed him completely, sliding slowly up and down his shaft. “Is this...is this some test, Ryuzaki? Are you doing this to humiliate me?” His head fell back as L sucked up his length and swirled his tongue around the piercing, whining at the pure bliss of this attention. 

L grinned around him, pulling off with a wet pop of suction. He licked teasingly at the tip, whispering between licks, “Is Light-kun...feeling….humiliated?” His hands stroked up Light’s thighs and hips and pulled him closer, pulling him into his mouth and down his throat a single time before going back to small licks. “I’m the one...on my knees. Or..is it because...it’s me doing it?” He stopped and looked up for an answer, genuinely interested in what Light would say. “Is being touched by me humiliating?”

Light opened his eyes and locked eyes with L, seeing some akin to self-consciousness flicker across the detective’s face. It was the most vulnerable he’d ever seen L, and Light knew that if he’d wanted to jab the man back, hit him where it hurt, he could. “No.” He pulled L to standing, backing him up to the tile and looking into his eyes. He said it again, “No, Ryuzaki, it doesn’t,” before pressing his mouth to L’s already parted lips. 

L grabbed him tightly, his hands stroking all over Light’s body now that he had permission, making soft hungry noises into the kiss and grinding his hips against Light’s.

Light broke the kiss after a long moment, staring at L’s odd, angular face, his too-big eyes. He panted, “To answer your question, yes, it increases my pleasure.” He smiled, “But I’ve never had the chance to ask how it felt for a partner.”

L licked his lips and pressed against Light again, grinning that the particular placement of that piercing could have very interesting effects. “Light-kun can ask me all the questions he wants to about that.” He hooked a long leg around Light’s waist as he glanced at the bath oil on the shelf. “Afterwards.”


	2. 5 Times in the ER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: 5 times L and Light ended up at the ER while having kinky sex

The first time it happened was only mildly embarrassing. Light had an allergic reaction to the mango frosting that L slathered over his ass in a moment of inspiration, breaking out into an unsightly rash he blamed on poison ivy when he got to the ER. 

Light’s face was as red as his backside as the doctor smoothed some cortisone cream over the rash. Mortified, he muttered, “I was camping.” The doctor hadn’t asked, but Light felt the need to proffer the information anyway. L snickered as he crouched in the chair, ostensibly there for ‘moral support.’

“You’ll need to apply this ointment for the next few days.” The doctor snapped his gloves off and handed the medicine to a flustered Light. “It will clear up after that, but…” He cast a confused glance to the odd man staring at him without blinking. “...you should refrain from sexual activity until then.” It sounded more like a question than medical advice.

L huffed at that, but had no issue helping with the ointment’s application, using it as another excuse to worship those perfect globes. “Light-kun really should be more careful during his ‘camping.’ Relieving oneself in the woods appears to be fraught with danger.”

Light snorted, turning his head back to try and glare at the detective massaging the ointment in, but the look on L’s face just made him grin reluctantly. “Not as much danger as you’ll be in after three days.”

\---

The second time was just three days later, their pent-up energy resulting in a 24-hour session which left L unable to walk. “My legs are not cooperating.”

Light thought he was kidding at first-- the lethargic detective sometimes did just lay down on the floor and not move for a while, or would stay in the same crouched position for hours while he was working. “Stop being dramatic. Aren’t you the one always telling me ‘harder’ and you can ‘take it’?”

“I did take it. That’s the problem. Perhaps you could carry me down to the team?” L nibbled a finger, staring up at Light from the floor with a taunting smile.

He ended up having to bring L into the ER in a pillow-laden wheelchair when he really couldn’t get the detective to his feet. “I’m not going to carry you around like a sack of potatoes, L.”

The doctor gave them the side-eye as he used an endoscope to check out the problem. “There’s no...um, internal damage, just bruising and irritation compounded with slight dehydration.” The doctor dug through his cabinet, not meeting their eyes as he gave L a tube. “Please use better lubrication. Drink water. Take a rest today and you’ll be fine.”

L took it in pinched fingers. “Don’t you have anything strawberry flavored?”

Light had to stop on the way home to pick up an extra-cushy, extra-kawaii frog pillow L requested for his office chair, telling the cashier it was for his little sister. He’d order the strawberry lube off the internet with L’s masked credit card.

\----

The next time, Light was actually worried. L had been laying on his back, letting his head hang off the bed upside down so Light could fuck his throat at the perfect angle. After his shuddering orgasm, Light carefully pulled out only to find that L had completely lost his voice.

“L...that was incredible. We really should--”

“Mmmph!” L’s brow creased as he pointed a long finger at his throat, grunting in irritation again. “Mph!”

Light had to try very hard not to laugh or make some comment about how he might like L better this way now that he couldn’t talk. In truth, that would be a disaster since Light truly enjoyed their discussions that often extended long into the night. He dutifully took a glowering, grunting L to the ER, noticing that the nurses now knew them by sight and tittered behind their hands at them. He murmured, “Great. They know us now.” An amused grunt was the only response.

The doctor sighed and peered down L’s throat, holding back commentary about the state of the man’s teeth. “Well...the bad news is that _ something _ ruptured your larynx.” He cocked an eyebrow in Light’s direction. “We’ll have to keep him overnight.”

“Oh no.” Light started to sweat and squeezed L’s hand; that sounded serious. “And the good news?”

The doctor pulled his tongue depressor back, tossing it into the trash. “The good news is that it will heal on its own in a few days. No permanent damage, although his vocal cords are bruised. He’ll get his voice back in a few days.”

L tweeted the whole ordeal from his hospital bed, becoming a Twitter sensation as the man who got hospitalized for dick. A few haters tried to knock L’s blow job skills, but Light chimed in from his own anonymous Twitter: “Dick in question here. Head game strong af.”

L made a happy grunt from his bed, adding, “And I still finished him off. NEXT.”

\----

They were somewhat more careful after that, since Watari had noticed the size of _ that _ hospital bill and excuses had to be made for L’s two-day absence from the team. Thus, it was weeks before another mishap occurred. L had been teasing Light all day at work, sucking and licking at red popsicles in the most obscene way, trying to see if he could get a rise out of him. At the end of the day, Light pounced on him when they were alone (which was exactly what L had hoped for), grabbing the purple popsicle out of L’s mouth and threatening to fuck him with it as just desserts.

L gave him a challenging look from flat on his back, “Do it then, coward.”

Light was never one to turn down a challenge, and the resulting reactions and moans from L kept making him push it deeper and deeper until…’Oh shit…” Light bit his lip, giggling as he dug around in L’s ass. “I think I lost it.”

L panted, “Lost what?” He was really enjoying the way Light’s fingers were reaching. 

Light pushed his whole hand inside, eyes going wide as L let out a loud groan and came all over his chest. “L...this is no time for that! I lost the popsicle stick!”

The look on the doctor’s face when he removed it from L’s sticky purple ass made them both break into giggles, although they pretended to be very penitent when he explained how popsicles were less than ideal dildos for such a reason. When he left the examination room, L stretched and shrugged, “We’ll just tie a string to the stick next time.”

They saw the nurses poking each other as they left the ER, and Light leaned in to whisper to L, “Think they’re taking bets on when we’ll be back?”

L gave him a sly look, “Think we should too?”

\---

The fifth time wasn’t very dangerous but it was by far the most hilarious one to Light. He’d always known that L was extraordinarily flexible, taking full advantage of that in their lovemaking sessions. In this instance, he got the idea to push the envelope a little further, bending L nearly in half on the bed until L’s dick was right in front of the detective’s face. 

Light paused in his thrusting to grin down at L, bending him a little more and holding the man’s dick to his lips. “Hmm. It’s right there, might as well suck it.”

L looked from his cock to Light and back, enthusiastically engulfing himself with a throaty hum. It was extremely hot until L’s back seized up when he tried to deep-throat himself, getting a little too excited when Light pounded his prostate at the perfect angle. “Arrrgghhhhhh!”

Light suddenly stopped, alarmed by the pained expression on L’s face. “L? Are you ok?” He gently pulled out and tried to help the detective uncurl from his position but L was truly stuck, dick still halfway down his throat. 

They arrived at the ER as quickly as possible, L’s hunched form hidden beneath a blanket as Light wheeled him in. L was moaning underneath, but for a very different reason than he was during their fun. Light tried not to panic, but what if he’d really hurt L this time?

The doctor gasped when he pulled off the blanket to see a contorted man breathing harshly through his nostrils and looking quite angry, dick still in his mouth. “Uh…” He was thinking he hadn’t spent half a million dollars on medical school for this.

Light rolled his eyes, “Oh just DO something already! You can lecture us later.”

The doctor put on three pairs of gloves then pressed his thumbs deeply into L’s back, making a loud cracking noise. 

L shot up abruptly, getting to his feet to stretch and oblivious that he was still naked. “OH! Oh...that’s much better. Thank you doctor.” He bent in several directions, twisting his hips to work all the kinks out. 

“I…” The doctor edged towards the door, tossing the gloves in the direction of the trash. “I don’t have any advice this time, except....stretching? Yoga? Oh god...” He ducked out the door, leaving Light and L to cackle and wonder which nurse won the pool.

**Author's Note:**

> This will be an ongoing series as I fill prompts on the kink meme that strike my fancy.
> 
> I'm on tumblr at [Kiranatrix](http://kiranatrix.tumblr.com/)  



End file.
